annalea's Blog

I am frustrated right now.

Very frustrated. I am frustrated at the world.

I don't understand where people priorities are. I don't understand where people judgments come from.

Take the average person today. They are more concerned with your sexual orientation than whether or not you are a decent human being. They are more concerned about the piercing on your face than if you treat people with respect. 

People in their 30's and 40's and older (and those younger who don't have their own brain) keep saying that "this generation" (my generation) has their priorities mixed up. This is coming from a generation that was run by slavery. From a generation that gave women no rights. From a generation where when people were different they locked them up or disposed of them.

That is the generation that you want me to model myself after?

I believe in being a good person. I believe in treating people with respect. I believe in love. I believe in justice. I believe in equality.

Nothing else should matter. It shouldn't matter if I am a man or a women or a man changing into a women or a women who dresses like a man but still wants to be considered a women. It shouldn't matter if my skin is black or my hair is purple or my lip has a ring through it.

In the grand scheme of thing's what is important to you?

This feels so different, so right this time. That pair of shoes you buy and already fit - no blisters or breaking in required.

Is this what it is supposed to feel like. Minor complications - good feels all around.

Does something have to be wrong - or does "too good to be ture" really exist?

My head is in the clouds -

Anna.

It has been a while since I have wrote anything on Ep - or anything in general for that matter. I guess I have been living without analyzing. Life keeps throwing me these curve balls.... I mean, they aren't life-altering, but enough to put up an extra hurdle for me to jump over.

I guess the lesson that I am learning is, ironically, the importance of learning. Mistakes keep happening, I keep making them. Now I am just trying to find value out of all of them.

Weight loss is a great teacher of this lesson. Some people believe that weight loss is a science - and in some aspects it is pretty cut and dry, but there are also so many grey areas, so many factors, so many persoalized pieces to the overall puzzle. A lot of it is trail-and-error. That is why one diet plan can work perfectly for one person, and be horrible for another person. The lesson here is that you need to find what works for you - if counting works, then count, if restrictions work than restrict, if chewing your food one hundred times before you swallow works - then do it. But the entier process is learning.

Another great teacher is love. Loving your friends, loving your family, and loving your partner. There are so many variables, so many lessons, so many emotions.

Choosing a career, or finding a school that works for you - same thing again.

Sometimes I look at myself and think "Wow! I have grown up a lot in the past few years!" and I pat myself on the back and am very proud of how far I have come. Other times, I look at myself and think "Wow! You really should be further along... you need to improve!".

I think I am stuck in transition. In this phase where I am supposed to be making all of the decisions that will outline the rest of my life. Do I travel? Do I go to university? Do I choose a job I love? Do I choose a job that will make me money? Do I want a job that is 9-5? Do I want a job that is contract work? Do I want to have a family? How will the job I choose effect my choice to have children? Do I date somebody who I have fun with, or somebody I have the potential to become serious with?

I am sure if you are over the age of 30 you are probably rolling your eyes right now - thinking that I am analyzing things way too much, and that things will work out i the end.

I realize that in 5 years I will probably look back and think "Wow, those problems are nothing compaired to what I am going through now"..... Maybe I will be stuck feeling like I am transition for the rest of my life.

The more I think about it, the more I think that maybe it is the transition that I need to accept.

Christmas morning. There is a Big wrapped presant under the tree for you. You have three options.
1. You can shake the hell out of the box and try to guess what it is before you open it.
2. You can rip through the paper, in a hurry
3. You can carefully peal back the wrapping, enjoy the curiousity, the mystery, and relish in the entire experience.

The problem with the first two options is that they have the potential to be damaging. They have the potential to damage the final product.

Ok - so - upwrap the presant gently. Preserve the contents, enjoy the unknown.... love today.


Anna.

I have been in a pretty steady mood lately, not too happy, not too sad. Just calm and clear. Despite this there has been a re-occuring disturbance. It has happened in both my online and offline life - and both situations are pretty insane. They are centered around the same thing though - lies.

Let me explain the two situations quickly - without disclosing any information. The first is online and it is a person on EP who is putting up pictures of celebrities, claiming that they are pictures of herself, even going as far as posting videos of people on youtube and saying that they are her - but what makes this situation horrible is that she is also claiming that either herself or her family member are dying (different on different accounts). So people are believing her and are praying for her, condoling her, worried about her, .... It is Sick! Because it is all a lie. None of her stories make sense if you look into them, none of the dates add up. But if you are a trusting person - you would never be able to tell.

The second situation - in my offline life makes me even more sad. A boy that I went to school with comitted suicide this week. We weren't friends, but we have a ton of mutual friends, and he was really involved in the community that I live in, so he was well known. This happened last Saturday evening, and his funeral is this saturday. It is sad enough that he passed away - but the part that really saddens me is that all of these rumors are flying around now. Terrible ones. There was even one going around about the way that he killed himself which was a complete lie. Or about possible influences. Rumors about his girlfriend and how she was the cause. Terrible things.

I just don't understand. I mean, I have told lies before - infact I used to lie a lot. I will admit that. But I will also admit that when I lied it was to either protect myself or to protect somebody else. It was never a meaningless lie. I lie that was meant to hurt somebody. It was never to deceive somebody on purpose. It was never to gain attention. I have stopped lying completely - and I have become a much happier, clearer person. I don't understand what people gain from lying - which is what makes it so frustrating for me.

Anyways - I don't have anything unique to say. Just wanted to vent.



Always,

Anna.

I was eating brunch with my friends this morning. Five girls that I have known since I was 2. We ate our waffles, sipped our Orange Juice and then lounged with a cup of coffee. A message came through to one of the girls phone that somebody from our high school had passed away. And the entire afternoon changed.

I knew this boy through friends, we hung out when we where in juniour high, but I hadn't seen him in a few years. Yesterday him and his girlfriend got into and argument and broke up - and he commited suicide. He was my age - 21 - and was attending university on a sports scholarship out of province. None of his friends thought he was the "type" - none of them knew he was contemplating it.

I wanted to write this post in his memory - and dedicate it to all of my friends here on EP who have been talking about Suicide. I want to say that I have thought about suicide in the past - and have even attempted it... And even though I stilll get depressed I am so glad that I was never successful. Thing's do pass. Life does get easier. Problems that are burdening you now will not be burdening you in a year from now. And you have the power to make things change!

His family, his friends, his giflfriend - all of them will be changed forever. They will all carry this scar on their souls.

Suicide is not an option. There are always other ways. There are always options.

If you have just one person in your life who cares for you - It will change them forever. If you feel like you have nobody who cares for you - I promise you that that will change.

Please remember to tell the people you care about that you love them. Please remember to offer support to your friends. Please remember to speak out against suicide.


Always,

Anna.

I haven't posted a blog i a while and I have had a ton of thing's that I have wanted to talk about on here, so I will probably be posting quite a bit over the next couple of weeks.

I am going to start by talking about a site I recently found called Good Reads (www.goodreads.com).

Basically you create a profile and start adding books that you have read/want to read to your "bookshelf". As you add the books you can choose to rate them (out of five stars), give a review on them, or simple just choose if you have: read, are currently reading, or plan to read - the book.

I think that this site could benifit any reader. Either somebody who is new to reading and would like to track their progress, or find ideas for new books to read, or enjoys reviewing books... At the same time I think it would be great for somebody who has been reading for a long time... Being able to discuss a variety of novels - and the site will even generate a list of recommendations based on your favrotie books.

You can also follow different profiles (add them as friends), and post on their wall or get notified when they make a new review.

The site also allows you to purchase books right from GoodReads... although i think it is just through amazon. Either way - it is all at your fingertips.

It is free to sign up and an easy site to navigate!!

Anyways. I just posted an experience about how I am starting a bookclub next week - so this site will definetely help give me some good ideas for that.

Happy Reading :)

Anna.



Oh - I am going to post the books I am currently reading below (I already read a few at a time). If you are reading this and would like to leave a comment on what book(s) you are currently reading I would love to hear.



Water for Elephants
2666
and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Writing to me is a way of processing information. If I have a thought or an idea that I can't work through in my head, 9 times out of 10 I will write about it. I have wrote a lot. Usually the thoughts or ideas that I have a problem working through are negitive - they are "bad" things that have happened or hard choices that I need to make... they are thing's that I don't like that I want to change - or hurt feelings that I want to work out. A lot of negitive.

Something positive has happened to me recently that has put a new spin on the way that I look at things - a new perspective. I still feel negitive about things - but now I feel like I can logically make my negitive feeling's turn around.

The idea of love has been floating around in my head - the idea of friendship - companionship - happiness. The butterly effect has been on my mind. Our entire lives one single event will shape the ones to follow... it is all connected.

A car cuts you off one morning and you get mad and honk your horn. He is now driving in front of you and he is the last one to get through the light before it turns red. You are angry. You think - if he wouldn't have cut in front of me I could have got to work early!!! What a jerk!. The light turns green and you proceed to work and arrive 3 minutes later than you normally would have. Somebody has parked in the spot that you usually park in so you have to park in a different spot. Now you are really angry. You exit you car and are walking into work and you slip on a patch of ice and break your leg. You go to the hospital and spend the next few moths in a cast. The day you go to get it removed somebody holds the door open for you - you thank them and they offer to help carry some of your thing's for you. On the way to your appointmet you realize that the two of you have a lot in common and you arrage to meet for dinner after your cast has been taken off. The two of you form a conection - maybe you become friends - may you become lovers, or maybe they simply set off the next chain of events to lead you to something else. Maybe it was all worth it. Maybe the asshole who cut you off deserves a thank you.

Negitivity. Our life is full of it.

In the movie, The Hours, there is a line where Virginal Woolf's husband is inquiering about her novel and askes her "Why does one of the characters have to die?".  She respods, "So we are able to appreciate life. Contrast.".

Death, illness, sandess, pain..... there is so much of it around us. We let it weigh on us, hold us down, restrain us. But without it - what would we have? Would we appreciate the laughter if we never knew sadness?

I think that we need to try to appreciate the negitive thing's along with the positive things. I think we need to try to look at them differently. They are going to be with us no either way - so why not deal with them proactively.

I think about all of the negitive thing's that I have gone through and all of the negitive thing's that I am curretly going through.  If none of these things happened to me I never would have started writing, I never would have opened my account on EP, and I never would have met the wonderful people that I have come to know and love from this site. I would ot be as compassionate, I would not be as understand, and I would not view the world the way in which I do right now - and I don't want any of that to change. 

So I would like to say THANK YOU to :

The people who have hurt me
The pain that I have endured
The obsticles that life has put in front of me
The challenges that I need to face

And mostly, Thank You to the people who make this post relavent. The people who make the good outweigh the bad.


Always,

Anna.

I need to sort out my thoughts
Put them in containers - contain them.

Figure out the difference between love and lust
Between them and you. Between us.

Containers and jars and boxes and files....
Thoughts.
    Thoughts.
        Thoughts.

Files and boxes and jars and containers
        Thoughts.
    Thoughts.
Thoughts.

Where are you when I sleep
Who controls this distance and space

Life and love and lust and death
I've buried you with all the rest.

Sometimes I hate my job - but sometimes my job feels more like a family. This could be because it is a "family" business.... but I am not part of that family. Either way, it is nice.

Everybody that is in my area of the company - management and accounting - are pretty open to each other. Three of us are not blood related (out of 6) but we make it work. 

Work is not always about work.  Sometimes work is about listening to someones problems, sometimes work is about giving advice, sometimes work it about stopping what you are doing and all eating lunch together.  Everybody here is busy - always. Even in our slow season we start new projects  - expand current projects - perfect our systems, and take some well-deserved coffee breaks. But we are always busy. 

In the end, they say the harder you work, the harder you can play - and this is true. The person who I share a job with is leaving for 2 weeks in December and than 5 weeks in January to travel. One of my managers used some of the land that we own to build a dirk-bike track for his friends and family to play around on, my boss is away in Greece right now on a trip paid for by one of our suppliers... Life is busy - but life is good.

The important thing to remember - always... is that there are thing's that come before work...even at work. One of my bosses many moto's is "If you are going to go to work than you my as well GO to work!". And it is true.  If you are going to do something, do it with all you have.  We all work hard, but also we all put our work down when more important things come knocking at our door. No questions.

I have learned a lot since I have been working here. The work experience is one thing - but work ethic is the lesson that I value the most.  You don't have to be work-obsessed to be successful, you don't have to throw away your family/friends in order to get ahead.  It is not easy - but there is a balance.

Taking an hour today to talk with one of my managers about problems he was having with one of his children is part of what I love about my job.  I would have had that conversation even if I wasn't "on the clock"... I would have had that conversation for tripple the time and not have been concerned.

Work can suck.... But I want to remember the positives.... and I am lucky because my job has a lot of them.

I haven't fealt this depressed in a long time.  Utterly low.

It is strange because thing's aren't bad - I am doing well at my job and I even made a great friend in the past week. 

This time of year I always seem to get a bad bought of depression but usually it is because I am in school and overwhelmed with mid-terms and the quickly creeping finals... This year I don't have that.

Sure, I am stressed out about other things - but nothing that I shouldn't be able to handle.

Still - I feel incredibly low.... Like moving is a sin.  I want to label myself as "bed-ridden" and be done with it.  Mornings are aweful, painful even.  The idea of having to shower and do my hair seems unnecessary and daunting.  I go through the motions - doing as little as possible. 

My laundry is starting to build up and my eating has gone to crap. 

I am reading a book about depression and they make all of these wonderful suggestions of how to get yourself out of the rut - but I just can't snap myself out of it... convince myself to give it a try. 

Maybe I just need to smile more - fake-it-till-I-make-it.... ugh.

I mean life is good... I have nothing to complain about.........

Ok.. I need to do something... do something BIG.

I'm not sure what it is yet - but the wheels in my head are already turning - working.

I am in transition, I can feel it... I am changing.

This is going to be a new era... the best one yet.

You know how people talk about their "calling" - when they find jesus while they are walking through the woods.... or see the face of god in the bottom of their teacup... then there entire life changes - it gives them a purpose.

I feel like I am going to get a "call" - NO not in a religous sence... but I feel like something big is going to happen. 

Clarity.

Clarity..

Clarity...

1. Work out for One Hour every day of November
(Wednesdays are an "Active Rest" day.. low instensity!)

2. No Caffine (this includes diet drinks and caffinated tea)

3. Wake up at 6 a.m. every day of the week.  7 a.m. is the LATEST and ONLY on Wednesdays and Weekends.

4. No processed foods! Nothing in a box and nothing with an ingredient that I cannot pronounce (or can prononounce but don't know what it is). 

5. Gradually Quit Smoking (I am not going to quit cold turkey but I do have a plan in place that will dwindle me down until I am able to quit completely!... BUT i have to stick to the plan!)

6. Eat breakfast every day before 8 o'clock a.m.

7. Read one book a week.

8. Stick to project 25 pan (i will explain in a different post).

9. No Alcahol

10. Only smoke pot once a week... and when I smoke pot NO binge eating :)

Ok!!! These are my goals for November!! These are to meant to be habbit-forming and motabolism-boosting goals.  In some ways I am being over-ambitious but they are completely do-able.  I am going to allow myself to eat some-what normally as long as my foods fall within these categories and work with my Turbo-Fire Nutrician Plan. 

I should mention that I am now following the Turbo-Fire system that I purchased from BeachBody.com

Happy November :)

I am feel closterphobic.... drowning in my own stuff.  I like to hold onto thing's... old notes and journals and gifts and cards, and clothing, and jewlery and on and on and on..... And there is just TOO MUCH STUFF!

I want my life to be simple.  I want to have one tube of my favorite toothpaste, one candle of my favorite scent, neatly organized clothing.... And I have all of these CD's that I have never listened to since the invention of the iPod!!! Good greif!

I even hold onto old movie tickets and magazine articles that I thought where interesting... Can you say horder!!!

Anyways - I am sifting through that stuff and throwing the majority of it out!! I am allowing myself one box of "keep sakes" and the rest is all going to be practicle.  I am not being wasteful.. I am going to use what I have - but I also am going to throw out the stuff (or give away) that I know I will never use!! (I have enough body-butter to last me 9 lives). 

OK - get to the point Andrea!!! I found a tote (yes and entire tote) of journals underneith my bed that I forgot existed.  I mean, if I would have thought about it I would have known they where there... but I haven't thought about them in years. I haven't journaled in a long time... Now that I have my computer I do the majority of my writing either on EP or on a private blog that I keep for myself (yes some thing's are TOO personal for EP).  I found thse journals that are mostly from high school - some of them a bit earlier and I started reading them and I realized how much they haunt me... I have old letters from people who where terrible to me, pictures of friends that really depressed me... I know that they are a part of me and a part of who I am today but I want to move on from that stage in my life... I want to move on from the stage in my life where I was so depressed and all I wanted to write about was suicide or how much I hated everybody.  There are a few journals that I really like... they are me just writing, talking about my feelings, without it being all about Death... I want to hold onto those.

The rest of the journals - along with some very disturbing art-work that I did I have put into a "Burn" pile.  The stuff in this pile is stuff that I cannot put in the trash - because it is not garbage... But It is a piece of me that I need to get away from.  This weekend I am going to light a fire and I am going to burn it all.  Page by page I will say goodbye.  I can no longer have it under my bed while I sleep or creeping in my closet.  I need to move on. 

I know that burning paper will not make my problems go away but I don't want a reminder anymore.  I accept who I was but I don't respect who I was.  I need to move on... I need to forgive myself and move on.

I am excited to burn it. I think it will feel good to see it go up in flames.  I would rather have it that way.

I am terrifeid that one day something will happen to me and my parents will find all of this stuff.... the horrible thing's I said.  I know that we all have these thoughts and I am happy that I documented mine... And I am still holding onto a lot of it - but some of it is terrible!! Some of the pictures I painted and sketched make me sick to my stomach..... Some of the poetry I wrote scares the shit out of me!

I didn't have a good childhood - I don't have all of those happy memories.  Again, I accept who I am and where I came from, I forgive myself for the mistakes I made and I have almost forgiven every person who has hurt me (there are a few that are more difficult then I thought)... but enough reminders... Enough reminders of those who hurt me and the way I hurt people. 

Clean start.

I can't wait to see it burn. Burn. Burn. Burn.
(and no - i am not a pyromaniac.... I don't set things on fire regularily... unless the ends of my cigarettes count ;)

Ok - so I know that I get frustrated with this site sometimes... There are some people on here that drive me up the wall BUT I would like to dedicate this post to all of the people on here that make it worth it!!

Four of the most important people in my life are from this site.  They honestly make my life so my better and have added so much joy and love to my day's.  I will not use any of their names in the post (or anywhere for that matter) because I would never want to put their privacy at stake but I do want to talk about them a little bit... just to document how much they mean to me. 

There are three males and one female that I really connect with on this site.  I know that the female isn't a surprise - but yes, 3 males who are on this site that are not looking for Sex - they just want to be my friend! Amazing huh? 

OK - so the girl.  She is awesome.  Honestly, I think that we are female-soul-mates haha. She is honestly the coolest girl I have ever met (in person and online) and we have SO much in common!  We both are struggeling with the same thing's and we both want the same thing's - so we are able to provide each other with support and understanding!  She even made us a website! How freaking cool, right?  I really hope she read's this one day and this put's a smile on her face - that would make this post totally worth it!

OK - s the men.  All 3 of them are much older then me which I find interesting.  I have been good friends with two of them for quite some time now and one of them as of recently.  All of them are just fabulous.  They are kind and genuine and I truly believe they have my best interest at heart - which is the sign of a true friend.  Although they all have some thing's in common - they all are very different - and they all provide me with a different aspect of friendship.  One of them is able to make me feel special, the other is able to make me think about my decisions, and the has truly been an insperation just to know.  These men are all - in their own way - powerful, strong, and passionate.  One day I am going to have to fly around the world to meet them all - and personally thank them for everything they have done.

I guess the point is..... that as much as people may think that having an "online" friend isn't as good as a friend that you met in high-school or a co-worker, and as much as there are a lot of creeps and ass-holes creeping on the internet - there are really good, genuine people on here as well....

I am not saying that you shouldn't be cautious... And I am not saying that people are always the way that they appear to be... But if you are smart about the way you act online you can really meat some great people.  Some of them may disappear after a few months of talking, and some of them might turn out to be somebody completely different then who they portrait online... BUT some of them will change you - they will inspire you - they will get you through a rough day and be there when nobody else is.  


So - to my fabulous four - thank you... I hope you know who you are - and if you don't then I apologize for not making it clearer. 


Always,

Andrea.

Ok - so I am not a fan of Dr.Phil's.... Infact it is hard for me to watch an episode without completely disagreeing with the premise of his entire show.  I don't agree with his approach at dealing with 90% of the popel on his show and I also don't agree with a show exploiting families.  If you disagree with me, that's fine, because this post isn't about bashing Dr.Phil.... it is actually about a valuable lesson that he taught me. 

For various reasons (that will remain un-named at this time) I have been researching eating disorders for the past week or so.  I have watched documentaries, read articles, looked at pictures etc.  While I was searching you tube for video's on ED I came across an episode of Dr.Phil that dealt with a girl who had servere anorexia and bulimea. 

This post is not about ED... this is about something that Dr.Phil said to the girl suffering from the ED about recovery.  He said "you need to give up control, you need to let the people who love you take the control and use it to help you". 

This post is about control. 

Another intersting statement that I read while reserachign ED's is that (and this is obviously not a direct quote) "people with ED think that they are taking control by controlling what goes in and out of their body when what they are doing is really spirling out of control"

Personally, I have mixed emotions about control.  There are times when I need every single bit of it and there are other times when I just want to throw it all away.  I struggle with happy-mediums.  I do believe that giving up control is just as dangerous as being obsessivly controlling. 

Anyways - after I finished watching the episode on Dr. Phil I thought about what he said about giving up control and giving it to the people who love you.  I don't think that this would be applicable to every person - if you are happily going along in life with no worries and no stress....they I urge you to take control of your life and hold onto it.  But for those of us struggeling, trying to get better, trying to get through, trying to hold on to hope... I urge you to try to let go of some of the control and let people help you. 


I know that the hardest part of this theory is finding the right person to trust. 

I am going to use myself as an example.  I have been hiding a disease that I was diagosed with over 7 years ago form my family.  They knew that I had it but I hid from them the severity and the symptoms of it because I was simply too embarassed.  I wasn't scared of them knowing but I knew that they would tell my uncle and aunts and family-friends - and I was not ready for everybody to know. 

My family has broken my trust before - and I wasn't about to let them do it again. 

I hold a lot of hostility against my parents for sharing my life with people without my consent.  I consider myself a private person, and to have my personal, shameful, and embarassing reality talking about behind my back rips my heart right out. 

Anyways, I have hidden it from them for years, and there have been countless times where it would have been so much easier if I had sombody to help me deal with the symptoms. 

Right now I am on a mission to heal myself.  I am - in my own way - in a state of recovery.... and I am realizing that I am going to have to give up some control.

I spend so much time concealing my illness that I have shut myself off from the world around me.  I have refused treatment for other ailments because I am scared that people will find out... I have put my health at more risk to conceal it. 

Anyways, i'll get to the point. 

I didn't climb up on the roof of my house and scream to the world about the disease I have... I am slowly trying to take baby steps.  I am slowly starting to let go of the control.

Tonight I sat down and I asked my mom if she wanted to help me with something very important... And without hesitation she said "of course I do"... and I told her that in order for her to help me I would need her to be able to keep what we talk about between the two of us... if she wanted to help me she would understand that that is what is most important to me right now.  She understood, .... her eyes looked sad, disappointed that I didn't trust her, but I knew she understood why.  I let her into my life a little bit, i told her about one of the symptoms I was experiencing and I asked her if she could help me treat it.  She told me to name the time and place and she would be there.  

She didn't judge me... She didn't look at me like I was a freak.  She didn't tell me she no longer loved me. 

I guess time can only tell if what I shared with her will remain between the two of us, but I am giving up that anxiety as well.  I have put that cotrol in her hands now and I am going to trust her until she proves me wrong. 

Do not stress over what you can control - and if you can control it then there is no reason to stress about it - right?

I saw it right there in front of me, a vision, as real as anybody can be sure.  It frightened me initially, seeing it for the first time.  My skin burned, and my insides sunk to the depths of my body.  For a while I felt numb, I doubted my very existance.  Science no longer existed... time had no hold of me, gravity was suspended, matter was a myth.  Reality hit me like a brick wall, knocking the wind out of me. 

This is going to be the first of what I hope to be many posts in my search for peace within myself.  What I hope to do is focus and narrow down the basic building-stones of life and what they mean to me.  For example, in this post I want to focus on beign mindful.  To me - this is the core of life. 

The word mindful is defined as being conscious or aware.  There is a popular saying that states that ignorance is bliss.  I think for a good part of my life I believed that to be true.  As I am growing up I am realizing how important it is to be open and aware of the world around you.  My value of education and experience has grown in leaps and bounds over the past few month's. 

I think it is important to note that being smart and being mindful are two different thing's.  Although I believe that education extremely important - I also believe that being mindful is more important.  With that in mind - if you are able to obtain both in your life then I think you have all that you need.  First and formost you need to be open and receptive to your surroundings, you need to be able to look at the world clearly and learn from it.  Secondly you need to be able to process it. 

When I speak of education it is not necessarily the kind that you would find in a book or the kind that you where taught in school.  I don't believe that letter grades accurately determine a persons intelligence.

I believe that if you are open to your surroundings and have the knowledge to understand it - then you are able to best react to it. 

I decided to start this series of posts with the idea of being mindful - because this idea of being oepn and aware to myself is the root of why I am doing these posts in the first place.  By writing about happiness, love, hatrid, faith, self-worth, etc. I am forcing myself to be mindful of them. 

I have gone weeks without thinking about the value of love in my life, or the value of hate.  I have spent years ignoring the role that sperituality plays in my life.  I have pushed these values that fundimentally I find so important to the corner of my mind and have told myself to deal with them later... to wait for an answer to come... or to move on.  Some of them I have simply forgotten about. 

It is hard for me to be mindful of my surroundings without being mindful of myself.  There is a saying that you cannot love somebody else unless you love yourself.  I am wondering if the same is true for understanding. 

Always,
Andrea.

I post these as a record for myself. I like to look back on my life and see where I was at.

Anyways - nothing special, just a general update on my life.

The past week has been overwhelming to say the least. Between finding out that my mom is having health problems, getting food posiioning, missing 1.5 days of work, loosing 5 pounds from being sick, my mom ending up in the ER for problems unrelated to her heath problems previously mentioned, getting fantastic news at work, working 10 hours days, and in general just feeling like crap.... this weekend is much appreciated.

I have been feeling down in general lately because all of my friends have returned to school and now I am the odd one out because I decided to take a year off to figure out what I want to major in.  I know that it was a good decision - and that was further confirmed after I had a conversation with my boss this week.  I just - ... it sucks to see your friends moving forward when you seem to be standing still. 

Then of course my mom's heath has been the center of my thoughts. It is scary seeing somebody you love in pain - and sick and not being able to do anything to help them.  It has caused my entire family to take a look at our health and make big changes in a few areas that we have been lacking. 

Personally, this has made me closely exam every aspect of my heath.  I have a bunch of doctor appointments over the course of October and I am going to start to take my heath condition a hell of a lot more seriously.  I have been researching treatment options - which I plan to start as soon as I can.  Altering my diet is something I have been working on as well.  It is not a "diet"... it is avoiding foods that will make my condition worse. 

On the topic of dieting though - I am still loosing weight but I have not been as strict the past three weeks.  I have still been keeping a close eye but giving my body some time to adjust.  This week I am going to focus on getting active. 

I am finding bordom to be my worst enemy.  Perhaps it is less bordom and more laziness.  The problem is that there are a lot of thing's that I want to do to fill my time... Go shopping, go to a movie, get a pedicure, go to the park, try out some resteraunts, go to the theater center, take some random classes etc. etc. But because all of my friends are in university (which means they are busy and broke) I have nobody to do them with.  I am trying to be independent - but being alone all the time SUCKS!!!

To add to this - every single guy that I meet is only interested in Fucking.  I want to be friends and go out and have fun - but all they want is to fuck.  Am I go absolutely insane?  Is this what a girl has to do to get some friends?  I am sick of sex. I honestly don't care if I don't have sex for the next month - i just want a god damn friend.

"Lend me your hand and
We'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart
and I'll just let you fall

Lend me your eyes I can
change what you see
But your soul you must
keep, totally fee"

Awaken my soul - Mumford & Sons.

It is no secret that I have issues with coping.  I am a passive agressive.
When it comes to political - relgious - philisophical etc. etc. issues I have no problem speaking up and getting into full on debates about a topic... but when it comes to my own emotions or feeling's - i completely shut down and becoming incabible of communicating. 
One strategy that I have used for quite some time is writing a letter to the person I am upset with.  The letter would tell them why I was upset and what I was feeling.  Usually after I write the letter I burn it.  The purpose of the letter is for me to organize my thoughts on paper - let my feelings out - and then let them go.  It usually helps me gage what is important to talk about and what I should just let go.  Sometimes after the letter is written and distroyed I will confront the person with anything that I still don't feel is resolved.

Tonight, for the first time, I did something out of character.  I wrote a letter and I sent it.  I tried to be factual and clearly state the points that I am desperately needing to get across.  The letter is to my mother - and it is explaining to her how hurtful she is to me and how it is hard for me to be around her because of her actions.  I tried to avoid dwelling on my emotions.  I simply outlined what she is doing that is causing so my pain for me - and asking her to please think about her actions and how they are impacting my life. 

I know that I would never be able to say it to her face but I also know that it is something that needs to be said in order for me to move on and put it in the past.  I will have to deal with the outcome of the letter tomorrow - so I guess I will find out if it was a wise decision at that point.